mercredi, février 07, 2007

So You Want To Be A Model?

Fine. So does everyone. But making it big in Modelland is much harder than you may think. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about (suuure). Being a BYT (Bright Young Thing) comports many rules you absolutely have to follow if you want to be SRF (Sexy Rich and Famous. Okay, I'm done with the stupid shortnings). As, for example, being DDG (Drop Dead Gorgeous. I'm done now, I swear).


Of course, I'll be nice and indulgent and give you the recipe to success ; (Which I of course also happen to follow and that's why you can see me literally everywhere right now like OMG Jeez) or, in this case, you could even say (that's the part where I drop a higly-complicated-nerdy-awesome latin word so your inferior-ness jumps at your face and "lève le voile sur ton ignorance".OKay, some french is good too) the..... cursus honorum. (told you it was awesome)



1. Be tall, skinny and pretty, it'll already make things easier. But if you happen to be short for model-height (A normal height by us, poor normal humans, say 175, is considered short in ModelLand), you gotta have IT to compensate.What It is, nobody actually knows,just like no one knows what there really is in your cheeseburger but whilst nobody knows,everyone keeps saying/eating it. So let's say IT stands for a specific Little something. It might either be an angry Siamese cat face (Sasha) , long bangs that keep going into your eyes and annoying you but you don't care, you got attitude yo (Irina) , a rock'n'roll androgynous vibe with short peroxide blond hair (Agynesss) , having literally 0 grams of fat and being famous for illustrating "When is thin too thin" articles (Snejana), gorgeous big wide set blue eyes contrasting with your long brown hair (Darla Baker) and, the most famous and the best-working, being a bleached anorexic cokewhore (do I really need to drop the name?)



2. The attitude. A model without attitude, is like a Bojana without her red nails. Or, nothing. Assume yourself, strut your stuff down the runway like you're the queen of Oompa-Loompas (which is seriously the greatest privilege of them all), i all your arrogance and beauty. Backstage, be proud of who and what you are. Never look at your feet. Head high. Stand straight. Be a bitch.



3.If you are already tall, there's only one thing left. Be skinny (of course) and pretty. If by any chance you come from the Czech Republic, no problem.But you other lovelies better beware of the Eastern European, the bitches have taken over the modeling world. Yes, indeed, being a long legged beauty with long golden locks just as if you came out of the Sleeping Beauty definitely helps.Oh, and if you have an unpronounceable name the length of your legs,such as Anna Mariya Urazhevskaya, be pretty sure most of the hard work is done. Think Anja,Hana, Tanya and the likes.



4.You got style. Dress to impress. Call it whatever you want, but as a model, working in the fashion industry and not knowing how to dress or having a style of your own is a good ticket to go back where you came from. But have no worries, being surrounded by designers and beautiful clothes will help. Tutus, slut lace tights, vintage, anything is good. But always remember, you have to shine by your presence and wear the clothes, not let them wear you. That's what your job is all about, right?



5.Let's face it, all models smoke, and so must you. Caring about lung cancer, your health? Come on, that cliché is so last year. You're young and pretty, who the hell cares about cancer? That's , like, for old people, right? So do it the most dramatically you can, all the time, always , everywhere. Chainsmoking with your other nicotine-addict gorgeous friends is like so hot right now, plus, it keeps you thin. Besides, Marc Jacobs put it on a sweatshirt in his latest collection, so it can't be that bad, can it?


6.If you're a lucky bitch and have all of the above except, unfortunately a classic beauty,don't worry, freaks are good too. Wide set eyes, alien features, cat similarities, mannish strong jaws,anything works. Sometimes, a unique face is more interesting than a plain pretty one. Do note : unique, yes, ugly, no. Looking like a bind turtle is not considered as unique, so if you do, sorry but NO WAY.

7.Now that you have all you need in your hands to become a supermodel, remember : HAVE FUN!

40 commentaires:

molly a dit…

yessss a new post and a hilariously genius one at that

eurobrat a dit…

This is the best. Absolutely.

Besos x

DDL a dit…

Yes.Yes.Yes.

No I only need 15 cms of height and 20 kgs less.

(As in, I'm already pretty and eastern european, well sort off, bitchy when I need it, have the ability to chain smoke and style- need I elaborate?)

Also, I finally figured out who you look like B. This Israeli actress whose really cool.

http://img81.imageshack.us/img81/5236/129920012006356406bz.png
that's the link. The girl B, not the guy.

Gryphon a dit…

8. Develop a coke habit

discothequechic a dit…

This is such a great post, I really enjoyed reading it, you write very well. Its a nice change from all the similar NY fashion week posts that seem to be in full circulation at the moment. (sorry everybody...)

For some absurd reason, blogspot is blocked at my school but I managed to paint your post onto paint purely because once I started reading it, I needed to finish!

Now, I'm going to find myself a nice innocent man from the Czech Rebublic, preferably with an anorexic gene pool and get rich by breeding models. Mwah ha ha...

S xx

shot_hair_blondie a dit…

bojana, i heart your blog...
amazing...
just wonderin´ where are u from cuz u have croatian name / if u didn t know :D/
kiss <3

Flashy_Shades a dit…

fantastic!

The Glossy Ed. a dit…

Alright...you killed it!

Robot Walk a dit…

That was brilliant. Yes it was.

alluretone a dit…

you basically nailed it. tanya is really one of the most unique face i've seen so far.

Teresa a dit…

GENIUS POST
Everything you stated is sooo true. I mean, those fabulous twigs are living the life a million average, American, uneuropean, girls with stumps as legs would kill for, namely me.

the lipstick lady a dit…

'being a bleached anorexic cokewhore'

brilliant

also, I plan on purchasing those shoes for mere pleasure as well as the ability to kill people, seeing as guns are illegal in the UK, so thankyou for pointing that feature out to me, now I can just kill the shopkeeper with them and run.

-TALL- a dit…

ok you nail it!!! I would love to be a model...my friend is going to modelling school(won't mention the name because se doesn't want me too) She's kind of confuzed though cuz she want's to be an actress so she sent in an application to act and now she's getting involved in all this beauty and modelling...And she's all like models are shallow and bitchy and I say to her as my words of advice HELL YES! That's what you need to be like to get to the top And I think she's really good at being a model so I think she's the right person for the job...I of course would love to be a model but I don't smoke and I need to loosed like 10-20 pounds but I heart chocolate haha! Check out my blog if you like:

http://tallones.blogspot.com/

coco a dit…

this post was very funny, and very true.

Ellen SB a dit…

OMG! F''you, you killed my dream. LOL.

Haute Girl a dit…

very cute post!

an english girl in new york a dit…

You kill me boka, you really do. Anyway, wil post, but been in florence and in the hills of hampshire so maybe tommorow?

musiclovert a dit…

hilarious. brilliantly written. i read every word and every letter of it!

great!

miff a dit…

you forgot to include the unique name!
please take five mins to help me out with my name and win a Miff!
http://miff-fashion.blogspot.com/2007/02/win-miff.html

Emma a dit…

this blog couldn't be any more fucking BRILLIANT

Siobhan a dit…

this post is good and completely true!

Siobhan a dit…

this post is good and completely true!

Adline a dit…

Blind turtle ? No Way :) !!!

Fabi a dit…

Im 5'2, so the only reason I read this is because it's smart and funny. I like you!

émilie a dit…

oh magnifique un 25éme commentaire :DD

Anonyme a dit…

et un 26éme hihihihih

Anonyme a dit…

et de 27

en tout cas moi je voudrais pas etre un mannequin comme la premiere fille elle a l'air vraiment mal a part ca ca a l'air bien tu dois juste marcher et bien sur répondre a tout les critéres mentionné si dessus haha haha

Anonyme a dit…

tu crois que je vais aller jusqu'a 30 ou pas ??

Anonyme a dit…

j'immagine ta tete whaou pleins de nouveaux com trop cool et tout et tout et puis en fait tu voit que c'est moi qui fait ca juste pour passer mon temps et pour battre le nombre de com par article ;)

Anonyme a dit…

ah oui merci pour les photos zo chiq .
je pense que cette nuit j'ai dormi genre 4 h . et bu 3 krieks c'est bien hein je suis pas alcolo . T'aurais du etre la pour prendre une photo de julie qui pendant le film s'endormait avec sa biere en main ralala

bisous quand meme :DD

Anonyme a dit…

Oh my dearest Bojana, would you post another of your lovely, intelligent and well-written posts and make my day?
Por favor belguita preciosa
xoxoxox

Meg a dit…

I think you should add a picture of yourself at the end because you give good leg.
(LondonCalling)

Miss V. a dit…

I love your post. This is hilarious!

Carolina Lange a dit…

Absolutly true and funny! Well written!

S a dit…

Haha, great post.

"Do note : unique, yes, ugly, no. Looking like a bind turtle is not considered as unique, so if you do, sorry but NO WAY."

My favourite quote from this!

Model Citzen a dit…

this post kicked ass!!! loved loved loved it!!! hysterical!

crystaljade a dit…

hilarious post, not to mention very true... did you have to go undercover for this? hmmm...

Rachel Michaela aka Stylebites a dit…

Very funny! Will post a link to this pronto!

Muah!
Rachel

true supermodel a dit…

I loved this post.

you're muse a dit…

first time on this blog but definately not the last time....you're really funny!!